I wanted to cover this adventure in two ways, first overall my perspective of alcohol throughout my life, and second a look at how I’ve reacted in the weeks since I’ve stopped drinking. Examples such as how my body has reacted, some things I expected that didn’t happen, and other things that did happen which totally caught me off guard. This is the first part – a somewhat brief description of my perspective of life with alcohol.
My relationship with alcohol has been a relatively long one. Over 18 years in fact. My initial thoughts on alcohol when I was young were that it was just something older folks did. I knew a person could easily fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior that included ending your life as well as other people’s lives… or making the quality of your life and those around you markedly worse. I knew all of this though I started down this path because I felt I needed it as social lubrication to combat my natural extreme shyness and I’m in control of my life and can recognize and make changes if needed… right? Worst case scenario if things start to get bad I can make another choice. I know I can handle anything I set my mind to. Believe it or not, I have (in the far distant past… ahem..) had a reputation of being stubborn and my approach toward alcohol is no different.
I’m sure all of this will end up sounding like a cliché and honestly I’m fine if no one reads it, I’m writing this for me and publishing it in the micro-possibility it may help add perspective to someone else in a similar situation to what I’ve been in. Everyone makes their own choices and are accountable for those choices, we own and live our choices every day. This is just the story of my choices and ultimately where I am now.
I started drinking for a level of combatting shyness and as a rite of passage (in my mind anyway) to adulthood – because alcohol is what cool grown-ups do.. right? I had my first drink around age 10 at my grandparent’s lake house, because my dad was drinking beer and I wanted to try it. It was disgusting and I’ve never really enjoyed beer since that first sip (bourbon barrel ale as a key exception). My next experience with alcohol was around age 17 when I had some choice friends over to my (parent’s) house while they were out of town and I thought it would be a good idea to drink some tequila. Because… you know rational choices always follow sips of tequila. The next day after vomiting for a good chunk of the early hours the next morning I reconsidered the wisdom of tequila as I was challenging my friends to fight the previous evening. You know in retrospect, the writing was on the wall as to whether a long-term relationship with alcohol is a good idea. Hindsight is 20/20!
Fast forward a year or two I had some experience with vodka as I spent the night over at a buddy’s house where we pictured ourselves scientists and wanted to experiment on ourselves with the effects of alcohol while playing the N64 game of Mario Kart 64. Great game, though downing a 12 or 16oz tumbler of vodka mixed with the flavored pre-mixed tea bottles of the day – I don’t think I’ll ever forget ‘Rain’ as that was the mixer of choice for that evening. Our gameplay efficacy decreased and the boisterous laughs ramped up as the evening progressed to the point of being severely drunk. Attempting to specifically notice the impaired nature of our behavior and then trying to write it down was, in retrospect the following day, funny but ultimately unpleasant as the evening wore on. We were both mercilessly ill over the rest of the night and my drive home the following day was, for lack of a better term, excruciating.
I pretty much stayed away from alcohol from that point until I was 21 when I would establish a routine meeting with the same vodka friend (yeah, neither of us learned – we had kid power and the chemicals in alcohol wouldn’t keep us down) every Sunday where we’d have a few cocktails and chat about the previous week and week ahead. We had a lot of fun and that began my 15+ year love affair with Jack Daniels Whiskey.
I started off with Jack and Coke – though anyone who drinks Jack and Coke will tell you that you’ll find widely (and I mean WIDELY) various takes from a mixology perspective on the ratios of what Jack to Coke looks like.
Before I move much further, I should say that I have a borderline OCD or more aptly described ‘I fixate on certain things’. This quirk of mine can be used as a strength. Such as when I tackle problems at work I don’t leave until they’re solved or fixed. I think of it as when I latch on to something, I’m not comfortable until I’m satisfied I’ve accomplished whatever it is I want to accomplish. It’s a weakness when that fixation turns to the simple statement of ‘I want to feel good’ and the object of the fixation is as full of glass as possible of alcohol. Because if the initial bit of alcohol is the key to feeling great in the first few moments, obviously more alcohol means feeling better for longer – right? So more is better to get to that ultimate area of feeling great for a long time, so must have more and more losing sight on anything rationally considered reasonable quantities. I naturally fixate on this loop of drinking and refilling. This is where I get into trouble.
My life of painful shyness mixed in with the preoccupation of feeling good by drinking led me to expect a reasonable amount of Jack to the coke I ordered whenever I went to my local bar (or diet coke as my sugar intake skyrocketed and I didn’t want to gain a lot of weight). I recall being in a bar, ordering a jack and coke, and having it be a ‘$7 mostly coke disappointment’. This upset me to the fact I ordered a straight Jack and a coke on the side so I could mix it myself. The bartender was not impressed.
Moving forward from that day and to side-step the social faux-pas of angering those who serve me things I drink, I decided to just switch to Jack Daniels straight – something I figured would be INCREDIBLY difficult to mess up due to the bartender being distracted or busy. It was rough in the beginning to get used to the flavor on the palate but I got there. As I drank more (roughly a bottle of Jack a night) I found myself getting depressed. I didn’t feel strong enough to kick the alcohol as a contributing factor, nor did I truly believe the alcohol was the cause (as I’m writing this 10+ years later I don’t think it was the sole cause but I know it contributed). Around this time I also met the love of my life, the woman who I would later marry.
At this point, I’m in my mid-20’s, working a 10ish hour a day which I made, due to my fixations, a 12ish hour a day job, and drinking when I wasn’t working. I fell into a crowd that viewed alcohol similar to my own views and we got into a pattern of self-destructive, one-upmanship for bad decision making leading to my getting a DUI. I was pulled over because unbeknownst to me I had a broken tail light, though I blew over the legal limit and was incarcerated the night before my 25th birthday. Going through the process of a DUI was both expensive and embarrassing. To get over this DUI legally and financially took longer than I felt reasonable – though in retrospect I’m glad I went through it because it’s better than other much worse outcomes of driving over the legal limit.
I was married at the age of 24, the DUI that followed a few months later strained our marriage as she had to drive me places in the early weeks after the arrest. Alcohol was the highest point of contention throughout our marriage. As of this writing, I’ve been married for over 14 years and alcohol absolutely was hands down the primary driver for fights, angst, and worry throughout our relationship. Looking back on it, I’m embarrassed and sad for the person I was to be so selfish by ruining the love and respect my wife had for me. She did decide to stick by me (something I’m eternally thankful for) and whittled away at my bad behaviors and habits by reasoning with me about the impact those choices have. We agreed driving while intoxicated was bad and that I would call her if I needed a ride, as well as a few other rules.
The next decade-plus of my life wasn’t as eventful as my early to mid-20s. I fell into a habit of what I had hoped was safe drinking roughly 3 to 5 times per week with some situational lapses in judgment that I’d always end up regretting. Feeling great while drunk, something I could do nearly every night of the week generally felt worth the risk, so I kept on doing it.
Then came 2020, the year of many things. Topics pervaded the social consciousness such as social injustice, COVID-19 as a global pandemic, killer hornets, intense wildfires across the world, and bizarre Saharan dust clouds. Also, the year I decided to stop drinking.
I have a friend in the neighborhood I’d go over to his house and we’d have a few drinks and chat, invariably I’d end up drunk and walk home. I’ve done this for a few years and generally didn’t think much of it. Yes, I do get drunk, but I can still function as a thinking human being while drunk, right? Apparently not.
I was walking home and injured myself (my knee or the tendon just below my kneecap). I fell and awoke with the police standing over me asking me questions. They had to call my wife (who was like 6 doors down). I didn’t even have the wherewithal or ability to call her and ask for help, I was apparently contented to pass out on the sidewalk. This was the point I realized that I can’t trust my judgment while drinking and had to make a change.
I’ve always felt (and still do to a certain extent) that alcohol doesn’t create a new person, it just exposes the person who is deep inside stripped of a large amount of civility. I didn’t realize the extent to which basic thinking was so impaired that I couldn’t even call my wife when I was hurt. Not that it’s her job to bail me out – far from it, but I should have at least considered it. So many horrible things could have happened to me that night and I’m lucky this is all that happened.
My relationship with alcohol isn’t one where I have trouble avoiding the first drink. Thankfully my issue with alcohol is centered on stopping once I start. I feel very lucky on this as I know there are many people who have trouble avoiding their first drink AND stopping once they start. I’ve stopped drinking about 3 months ago as of this writing and I have no desire to have a drink because I know I can’t trust myself once I do. I don’t like the feeling of not being able to trust myself and in my previous years of drinking I always felt that I can always trust in myself (if not feeling a little.. sluggish) and be able to make rational decisions. My experience in 2020 has shown me that’s absolutely not the case. Having a small amount of distance from my last drink I am frankly relieved, as alcohol has brought a lot more grief and problems in my life than positives and it’s nice to have that particular weight off my shoulders.
One additional thought in closing, I have no issue with people who drink. I am not the sanctimonious guy who pushes their life habits and choices on others. I made the right choice for me at the time. I don’t have a problem with others drinking around me nor do I have any problem with people who choose to drink at whatever frequency works for them… assuming they’re being safe about it. For me, at this point in my life, alcohol is in my past.
